• Skip to primary navigation
  • Skip to main content
  • Skip to primary sidebar
  • Skip to footer

COMPLETE VOCAL COACH

  • Home
  • Work With Me
    • Next workshop: Boost Your Singing Practice 22 March
    • Sing Everything Power Groups
    • Private Coaching
    • Sing Everything Community
  • Meet Katja
    • Biography
  • Blog
  • Testimonials
  • Contact

Become A Confident Singer By Working On Your Listening Skills

Learning, Mind, Practice, Teaching · January 9, 2017

Why does it seem to be easier for us to say what we don’t like about our voice, than saying what we do like about it? And why does it seem easier for most of us to accept negative feedback or criticism, than to genuinely take in positive feedback?

Become a confident singer by working on your listening skills. Read on to find out how!

A while back, I decided to ask all the singers I work with what they especially like, or think is beautiful, about their voice. Most of them could not answer the question. Instead, they started laughing or blushing and became all uncomfortable even thinking about the possibility that they could say something positive about their own voice. They said they had never even thought about it.

I have a confession to make. I used to be like that too. I didn’t even think there existed such a possibility as me having my own positive opinion about my own voice. That would have felt arrogant. I did allow other people to have an opinion about my voice, be it negative or positive. But not myself! …unless it was a negative opinion.

SUFFERING FROM SELECTIVE HEARING

So, I used to think I was being ‘realistic’ if I thought negative things about my own singing. But boy, was it confronting to find out that I was actually a negative listener! I realised I was suffering from selective hearing.

Let me explain. In my case, selective hearing means I had difficulty hearing the positive things being said to me, because my mind decided to only listen to the negative comments.

I found out I was paying lip service to ‘accepting positive feedback’, while actually constantly fishing for negative remarks. And if there were no negative remarks, I’d ASK for one – “for the sake of getting it even better” or “for the sake of my own development”. Can you believe it?! That’s a bit lite asking someone to slap you in the face, just because you’ve heard it ‘helps build character’!

I had to work on some big mindset shifts in order to change this habit.

Nowadays, I can spot this habit in many people that I teach and coach. It breaks my heart. Because I’ve been in that dark place of slapping myself in the face with negative remarks about my own voice. It’s not a pretty place to be, so I wouldn’t want anyone else to be there.

RESPONSIBILITY FOR YOUR OWN HEARING

So why do we tend to focus on the negative things then? And with ‘negative’, I mean all the things that fall under the category of ‘in the need of improvement’.

It might have got to do with the nature of many teaching situations: you come to the teacher and show your work, the teacher says “Nice, but…”. Or maybe even forgets to say something positive, and just goes straight to the improvements.

While I find a positive learning environment extremely important, I also do believe the teacher isn’t the only one responsible for this environment. The singer is responsible too: for their own reactions, thoughts – and for their hearing! A teacher can be as encouraging as it gets, but if the student only hears the things that need improvement, and don’t take in any of the positive feedback, all the encouragement has been done in vain.

BECOMING A POSITIVE LISTENER

In their book ‘Power Performance for Singers: Transcending the Barriers‘, Shirlee Emmons and Alma Thomas write about the importance of becoming a positive listener. The ability to hear the positive things that are being said, is an important skill to learn. And I couldn’t agree more.

To me as a singer, becoming a positive listener was one of the biggest shifts I’ve ever had. When I learned to appreciate my own voice, and to take in the positive remarks that others had, it actually became much easier AND fun to work on my voice.

I also learned to leave certain negative remarks for what they were, just remarks or somebody’s opinion. Because let’s face it, everyone has a different opinion. And no matter how brilliant or beautiful you are, there’s gonna be someone out there who has another idea of what brilliant and beautiful should be.

Does “Inclination to hear only the negative things” sound familiar to you? Here are some tips for developing positive listening skills (Emmons & Thomas 1998, p. 105):

  • Listen for the positive things that are said to you. No matter how small they seem, they are important to you.
  • Set yourself this goal before you go to your lesson or coaching: to listen for and hear the positive things that are said to you.
  • Try to practice this skill in all areas of your life […] so that you become accustomed to what it feels like.
  • Always acknolwedge any compliments that are paid to you, no matter how small or who has said them. Get used to saying, “Thank you”, without feeling embarrassed. […] Do not fall into the trap of saying, “Thank you, but my — wasn’t very good today.” Take the positive compliment for what it is worth and feel good.

If you’re suffering from selective hearing, like I did, it can be a hard habit to break. It will require some serious training, and thought-stopping. But it’s possible. Do yourself a favor and stop slapping yourself in the face. You deserve so much better.

 

Photo credits: Ryan McGuire, Luca Upper

Filed Under: Learning, Mind, Practice, Teaching

Katja

Reader Interactions

Leave a Reply Cancel reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.

Primary Sidebar

Hello! I’m Katja. I’m a vocal & performance coach, singing teacher, singer, musician, voice over artist & choir leader.

Sign up for my monthly Voicings and access to the Inspiration Library for Vocalists & Teachers

Recent Posts

Bringing back that loving feeling – Episode 10 of December Voicings

Creating a Trust-List – Episode 9 of December Voicings

The power of creating containers and setting rules for your creative work – Episode 8 of December Voicings

Getting faster at starting your creative work – Episode 7 of December Voicings

Connecting to your creative roots – Episode 6 of December Voicings

Categories

  • Anatomy
  • Business
  • Creativity
  • Learning
  • Making Your Life As An Artist
  • Mind
  • Performing
  • Podcast
  • Practice
  • Published writings
  • Singing Technique
  • Singing Tips
  • Soul
  • Teaching
  • Uncategorized
  • Vocal Health
  • Voice
  • Voicings

Footer

Sign up for monthly Voicings and access to the Singer’s Inspiration Library

Katja has worked with:

  • Privacy Policy
  • Terms
  • Disclaimer

Copyright © 2023 · Katja Maria Slotte • Maker Pro on Genesis Framework · WordPress · Log in

This website uses cookies to improve your experience. We'll assume you're ok with this, but you can opt-out if you wish.Accept Read More
Privacy & Cookies Policy

Privacy Overview

This website uses cookies to improve your experience while you navigate through the website. Out of these, the cookies that are categorized as necessary are stored on your browser as they are essential for the working of basic functionalities of the website. We also use third-party cookies that help us analyze and understand how you use this website. These cookies will be stored in your browser only with your consent. You also have the option to opt-out of these cookies. But opting out of some of these cookies may affect your browsing experience.
Necessary
Always Enabled

Necessary cookies are absolutely essential for the website to function properly. This category only includes cookies that ensures basic functionalities and security features of the website. These cookies do not store any personal information.

Non-necessary

Any cookies that may not be particularly necessary for the website to function and is used specifically to collect user personal data via analytics, ads, other embedded contents are termed as non-necessary cookies. It is mandatory to procure user consent prior to running these cookies on your website.

SAVE & ACCEPT
This site uses cookies: Find out more.